Welcome to my world =)

hello dear world:)

2010-01-17T19:32:00.000-08:00

my name is toni.
and life is awesomee:)

the end.

:D

Im back =)

2009-12-28T12:46:00.000-08:00

Holy crap.
i completely forgot about blogger!
oh, how long it has been.
sooooo.
Hello:D

I've changed quite a bit since the last posts. New loves, new friends (and old ones!), and a new outlook on life:)
I've recently found God again, and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior=)) He forever has my heart.<3
Yes, i get sad sometimes, and things happen for the worst, out of nowhere, but if i turn to his everlasting love, i will get through itt!
so yeahh. . .

im temporarily using my brothers internet till we get internet on our own, so if my posts are scarce, i'll still try my best:)

Point?

2009-05-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

Nonexistant.

There is nothing left to give.

2009-05-11T18:02:00.000-07:00

I cant trust anyone, ever. anything i say can and WILL BE used against me.

throw me in the prison already.

nothing i do is right.

so screw this.

im done.

being alone sounds so lovely right now (:

im sick and tired of people.

the end.

its hard.

2009-04-22T18:36:00.000-07:00

im living life in such a blur.

the littlest things seem to depress me.....

i feel so distant and left out of everything, and i can never find what to say, talk about, or joke about anymore..

i guess there was just one too many insults on my part..

i thought this would fade away eventually, but it wont.

and what sucks is...

i cant cry.

i just cant.
i was hoping it would make me feel a little better, but im unable to, im just blah.
im sad.
mad.
jealous.
everything!

but im unable to cry.

I Know what im going to do...

2009-04-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

I obviously can't make it in the acting world, but i still have a passion for theatre... so i think i'm going to follow in the footsteps of my uncle...

I'm going to be a theatre teacher.

It makes so much sence!

I can still act on the side, and i can spread the arts.

To kick start this plan, i'm talking to as many professionals as possible for advice on this, and im getting out there(:

This is perfect!

21 questions for life, +1 :D

2009-04-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

1. What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel? Looking into someones eyes when they tell me how they feel. I hate pressure, and i never know what to reply to it.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. When someone hurt a really close friend to me, for no reason.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane.You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call? My dad, to tell him i love him and to thank him for everything he has done, and to tell everyone to not be sad when im gone.

4. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? a)No, not at all. I want them to see me as me, not as someone who is about to die. i know its selfish letting it hit them when i do die, but i want to live my life as normal as possible. b) Let everyone see who i am, and not hold anything back. Being a fool is the thing im best at, so im going to be as crazy as i want. c) No, i know its my time, and whatever i spent my life doing, was all spent absoultely perfect.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love. Love. Without it, i have nothing.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? Save the puppy(: My boss sucks if im fired for helping an animal, and i wouldnt want to work with someone that cold hearted anyway.

7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? the beach, somewhere nice and relaxing. to get away from everything.

8. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you? absolutely, my grandpa but i wouldnt spend the time with him, i would let him be with his kids again.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? NO. people don't like me, so why should I like myself?

10. Does love = sex? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {Plain and Simple}

11. Your best friend dies, what would you do? Mourn, but also help other's greive.

12. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt? When was it? How was it? I dont remember, but i told my friend EVERYTHiNG about me, and how i was depressed and felt hopeless.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back? Harder to tell them i dont love them..... i can have my heart broken a million times, and i would rather be shattered than to leave anyone with a slight crack in their heart.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on? Music {everyone knows why} Im CONSTANTLY listening to it. i have NO musical talent, but i love to listen. It gets me out of the world im in, and into my own thoughts.

15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? My dad this morning before i got out of the car.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had “no regrets” what would it be? Staying that extra week :(

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who you gonna call? My brother, he will kick some booty:D

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? I would, but there is a risk of me killing them since idk CPR.

19. Are you old fashioned? Definately. Love-->Marriage-->Sex. Im staying pure, no matter what people say!

20. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before? True love, absolutely. Im left with memories rather than curiosity {in the words of Dom}

21. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish? True happiness to everyone.... life doesnt need to be wasted on sadness.

22. Who do you want to answer this survey?

Breakups and Newcomings.

2009-04-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

Obviously, Christain and i broke up.... THANK THE LORD!!!
That relationship was just awkward.

I planned to just stay single and have fun, but to my suprise, i met someone new!! :D

Well, to leave this short and sweet, We met, we clicked, went on a date, and now....
I have a boyfriend.

Interesting, huh?
Haha.

Blogger's Challenge

2009-03-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

"How do you know when you deeply care about someone?"

When I layed my eyes apon that question, I started to overthink it, trying to come up with something amazing and full of wisdom, but I had to stop myself.

Something like this can't be explained that easy.

I think that when I see something through the simplicity of the child mentality still in me, I will see it through eyes of something more pure. Caring isn't just having compassion for friends or family. I believe the true care is when you have such a being come over you to do something for someone that you barely or don't even know, no matter the consequences.

Care can be abundant in friends and family also.

I think that it comes in many ways, whether it is seeing them alone and upset and you go to talk to them, or just thinking of someone, without even telling them.

Certain things inspire me to think of friends...

If I hear a song or see something that one of my friends likes or reminds me of them, I begin to think of that person. That moment was put there for a reason. If that song/ object was never there, my life wouldn't be impacted for that point in time. It's all one giant connection, and who knows, maybe that person desperately needed someone at that moment, and you could have been one of them. Sometimes when you get that ping of joy through a bit of sadness, I believe someone is thinking of you in that moment, caring for your well-being.

Care comes in many different forms and ways, There is many more that could be listed, but there is a need not to.

Maybe sometimes, we will learn for ourselves.

That ability is such a beautiful thing to have, so take part in it.
Just be free and let fate guide you to such a powerful care and compassion for others, that you don't even realize your taking part in.

That is what makes the spontanious care the most relevant in my life, rather than know you are caring, the ones you aren't aware of is most powerful, since it is coming to your second nature.

OHMYGAWSH....

2009-03-14T13:44:00.001-07:00

HOW DO YOU GET YOUR PLAYLIST ON BLOGGER???
Rawrs.
Im usually good at this kind of stuff, but its being extra homosexual.

Any help?

I Didn't Make it.....

2009-03-13T20:06:00.000-07:00

i never make it.

the words, "im sorry, tryout next time around, you will make it!" echoes in my ear everytime i do something.

im sick of it.

These tears flowing as im typing this doesnt even do this justice.
There is no point anymore.

I try.
I fail.
end of story.

Thats all im EVER gonna hear!!!!!!!!!
So why even bother anymore?

I have come to a simple conclusion:

i dont have a place in this world.

Horoscope:

2009-03-04T19:23:00.001-08:00

Today an intellectual connection could spark some romantic feelings -- be careful.

this scares me.

Wowzers

2009-03-01T17:44:00.000-08:00

Lately i have been told by many people that im good with advice, wise, insightful, ect.

I never really noticed.

But hey, im not gonna complain!

I love helping people, and im not stoping anytime soon!

It feels great when other poeple get at least some comfort from me.

I think i use my own troubles to help others.

Maybe this is pointing me towards my meaning?

IDK.

till then, ill keep doing what i have been doing and hope for the best.

♥/♥

undead

2009-02-28T12:07:00.000-08:00

Rules:
1. Put your music library on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song title as the answer to the question, no matter how silly it sounds! Most of the time they seem to work though, strangely enough.
4. Ok, go!

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
She Thinks My Tractors Sexy- Kenny Chesney

2)WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
First time- Lifehouse

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Always- Blink 182

4)HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
La Vie Boheme- RENT

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Woah Oh (Me vs Everyone)- Forever the Sickest Kids

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Somethings Gotta Give- LeAnn Rimes

7) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
It Ends tonight- The All-American Rejects

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Everytime i look for you- Blink 182

9) WHAT IS 2+2?
Can't Get Away- Rush of Fools

10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Psychosocial- Slipknot

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I'm feeling you- Michelle Branch

12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
We all- Rush of Fools

13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
White Horse- Taylor Swift

14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Camisado- Panic at the Disco

15) WHAT DO YOU PARENTS THINK ABOUT YOU?
Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional

16) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Stay together for the kids- Blink 182

17) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Southern Weather- The Almost

18) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
I'm Like a Lawyer- Fall Out Boy

19) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
I Hate Everything About You- Three Days Grace

20) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Catastrophe- Forever the Sickest Kids

21) WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Undead- Hollywood Undead

What has been bothering me.

2009-02-28T08:25:00.001-08:00

Since people have been asking and noticing... i might as well reveal something very..... bad. about my life.

One simple thing:
Misstreatment sucks.

I have spent years in the shadows of others, put down by cold stares and hurtful words.
Constantly bullied and harrased. its something that i will never forget.
There is a new blog of mine.... check it out:

http://the-secrets-of-a-tiger.blogspot.com/

Be Prepared.

GoogleSearch

2009-02-25T16:35:00.000-08:00

"Rules": Google your name plus the following and pick one of the first couple of hits…Remember to put quotes around your name and the word after it.

"Toni wants" to please YOU! {it came with a 'beautiful brunette' before it too.}

"Toni needs" to do a Live Concert DVD which would potentially be a 5 star best seller

"Toni is" a small town girl with big city dreams of moving to Las Vegas to explore the possibilities of becoming a professional model or actress

"Toni does" **THOSE** PARTIES!

"Toni looks" so Beautiful

"Toni likes" to sing the Barney Song while killing people

"Toni says" FU to the Emmy's.

"Toni can't" Hit The Side Of A Barn

"Toni hates" red-socked walkers

"Toni loves" German women, beer.

Yes, these actually came up when I Googled "Toni __"

Unhealthy but lovely

2009-02-23T16:08:00.000-08:00

I have an obsession with Blink 182.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was discussing this today with Whitney S in World Geo.
I can name alot of their songs and probably sing along with most of them :D
These 3 men have changed my life in many ways, and i have also grown up with their music playing in my head and on every playlist i have owned.
I cried when they broke up.
I cried when they got together.
And i promise you.... i will see them live one day and see them in person. I dont care how old i will be.
When Travis almost died i realizied that they need to be appreciated for the music they have made for us.!

Its beautiful(:
Better than Sex....
HAHAHAHA

Yeah, alot of people have made fun of me for it and tell me im crazy cause they are "crap"
but idc.
if they dont like it....

They can just stop listening.

Paste and Copy....wait....That's not right!

2009-02-23T15:37:00.000-08:00

1.WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My mom's best friend that was murdered {first name}, the wife of John Walsh {middle name}, and some old dead dude in my family {last name}
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Saturday night
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yeah, until i look at it a second time and think, "WHAT RUBBiSH.!"
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Hillshire Farms {GO MEAT!} just cause of the commercials
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yeah, 15. They are all living in Cambodia with their Papa
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Who says im not friends with myself already.?
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? All the time, get over it. {was that sarcasm or not.? DUNDUNDUN.!}
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nopeee.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No, only because im scared ill bounce back and hit my head, or the cord will break. {i would skydive thoughh.!!!}
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Count Chocula {sp.?}
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOURSHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nope... im too cool for Laces
WHERE IS 12?
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Mint Chocolate Chip, or Double Chocolate Chip {with homemade brownie peices in it :D}
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? The first distinct thing that jumps out at me {not a sexual reference}
15. RED OR PINK? Pink(:
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Never deciding on ANYTHiNG and regretting everything i do {the littlest things too.!}
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Simplicity and Acceptance
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? They already did
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Oversized PJ pants with stars on it, and socks that match.!
~HEY NUMBER 20 IS MISSING!!!~
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The lovely lyrics of Blink 182, what else.?
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? PSHHH, i am a crayon.!
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Bacon.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! {or vanilla.... :D}
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? i dont remember
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? If i didnt, i wouldnt be taking this.! They is my buddie(:
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? DSRL.!
27.HAIR COLOR? Brownish blondish.
28. EYE COLOR? Blue/green
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? 20/20 babyyy.!!!!!
30.FAVORITE FOOD? Chinease :D {yummyyy.!!!} or grilled steak, taters, and salad...mmhhmm.! {btw, i accidently deleted the question, so i hope its right.!}
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary movies all the wayyyy.!!!!!!!!!!!!
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Some movie about some sadistic possessed guy on IFC {great movies on that channel}
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? White
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer. :D {just cause we aren't trapped inside the evil facility of toture passed off by the name of "School"}
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs from friends, Kisses from sexyy boys :D {JK.!}
36 is gone ,too!
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? idk. im the last one to do it {i think}
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? idk again, i am extremely lazy, so nobody else has an excuse.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Since it's High School, i have time for no other books besides those assigned to me.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Taz :D gotta love him.! He was cool before ADHD meds were prescribed (:
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? A Movie, and some other stuff i dont remember
42. FAVORITE SOUND(S). Smoothies being made cause i love smoothies :D {been craving a strawberry banana one all week..!!!!!}, running water {unless i need to pee}, strumming of an acoustic guitar, a catchy song when mad or sad(:
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Neither. And the Beatles make me think of the bug... yuck.
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? left texas once to drive bro halfway to his dads in Alabama
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? i don't concider anything really that special. Because every little thing that is done in this world is possible by someone else, and has been done or going to be done.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Dallas
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? IDK. Haha

{i shouldn't have stole this from Chris, alot of numbers are missing.!!!}

Breathe into me- Red

2009-02-19T19:16:00.000-08:00

Kinda explains what i have been through in the past, and how GOD and my friends have gotten me out of the mud.

And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into meI still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

And this is how it looks when I am standing on the edge
And this is how I break apart when I finally hit the ground
And this is how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain
And this is how I disappear when I throw myself away

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe your life into me!
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me!
falling, falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

haha. looks weird as lyrics, but you should listen to the song.

i amuse myself at times

2009-02-17T19:47:00.000-08:00

i totally created a "toni day" on facebook.
i might as well inform yall :D

On friday, you have to come up to me and Scream, hug, diss, kiss {restrain yourself though}, or anything.!!!! be creative and i wanna see how many people do it(:

Long story short....

2009-02-12T16:32:00.001-08:00

i'm left out
and pissed off.

BLOGGiNG CHALLENGE

2009-02-09T14:48:00.000-08:00

Kimmy: haha i know you hate the nickname, but i couldnt resist. Dude, you have been kind of my stronghold through alot in the past, yes, you do get annoyed at my guy drama {its decreasing.!} And what can i say... their testosterone gets to me.!!!! Anyway, all those days and nights of IMing and texting for hours until you or I get kicked off for different reasons, means alot to me. Its good knowing there is someone there that i can talk to in times of need or when im bored to no end.! (: LoL. You have such an open mind and i think thats what keeps our ideas close together somehow. You are the only other person on God's Green Earth i've told about that "idea" we both share. And one day..... we should say it loud and clear.!!!! I'm not scared to reach any height with you.! {dude, we are sooooo going skydiving.! as long as my parachute dont break} and yet, im conforted with the fact it might, because if it does i know you will make sure im safe.! your like a sister to me and i wouldnt change it for anything. Thank you for not letting past conflicts get in our way of this awesome friendship(:

Jennay: Bro........ these past few years have been rocky ones. I do remember getting to know you for the first time in 5th grade when you always wore that reese's shirt and was the fellow library worker {you were SOOOO mean to me then.! you actually kinda scared me, to tell the truth} Always takin the computer and totally makin me shelf books:( Ohh.... and dont forget those quest bus rides where we prayed for traffic.!!! LoL. We kinda dissconnected throughout the past years, but in 8th grade it began to grow back.... Anyway, your totally awesome and i would take your AiDS anyday.!!!!

Bryan {A.K.A. melee master.!}: haha. those times since 3rd grade are soooo crazyyy....... i dont wanna mention the bad things... lol. but i certainly loved those birthday parties.!!! :D you would ALWAYS beat me in Super Smash Brothers Melee. {psh.... scratch that, i totally let YOU win.!} Between the duck story and the times in quest fighting over your binder and if you liked fat cathy or not.... it was all fun(: 7th grade we completely stopped talking and stuff, but after that, we reconnected in 8th grade during the musical. Well, your an awesome guy and a great friend/ musician.!!!! :D {and sadly, a good tickler, DARN YOUUU.!}

Cookie: OMG, woman, you and kim are tied for AMAZiNG. :D you have been there for me through alot of drama, and you didnt judge me for my looks or my bad moods, just my personality. You made the triangular trade come to be, and you made my day with your cat noises :P You made me feel welcome to the group along with everyone else. You made me appreciate good things in life {like the color black, for instance}. LoL. and now i know how i should appreciate the schools cookies(: HeeHee.

Kyle/TripleThreat: BOY, you are good at EVERYTHiNGGGGGGGG. idk how you do it... but whatever your eatin, i should have some.! I met you in 8th grade, along with the group. There was lots of drama, but it was fun talkin to ya in the triangular trade in coach butterfly's class and during the plays.

DOM: Omg, my ~~little~~ TALL indian friend:D you are a literary genious, although you hate mrs. Bailey. haha. you dont know it, but everyday in english when you say, "TONiiiii" and open your arms for a hug, it makes my day(: i have only met you this year, and have had to give you lots of advice and you given me my fair share {that means i dont hate you.!} i will totally be here for you if you need a toni hug to get through english class :D cant wait to spend tha next 4 years with ya.!!

There is probably more people i am forgetting and will probably add later, but these people make me who i am today, and i will never forget them... there is a buttload more to say about each of them, but it would take so long i would only have stubs from typing so much :DD I love these people to death {although they may not love me so much at times :P} and they make me feel so greatful everyday, for making me a part of their group. Yes, most of the time i still feel like a complete newbiee and intruder of the group, but they reassure me im just as much of a part of it as they are. I love yall.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! these next four years are gonna be awesome(:

i cant believe....

2009-01-27T16:00:00.000-08:00

that people are being forced to put their blogs on blogger during school.
i find that pretty hilarious.!!
:P

Oh well, i guess our blogger world can use a few extra people in the mix(:

Anyway, ive had pretty much an awesome week last week, {birthday stuff galore.!}
and i felt special if someone even remembered my birthday, let alone give me a dollar(:

Well, this week pretty much sucks:( {thats how it goes, you can never have too much of a good thing in life. HAHA.}

Lets just say on Saturday my friend invited my ex to the movies and we had an okay time with him, but then alot of drama happened but i was okay. {venting was pretty nice....... even if i had to cuss him out first} LOL.

but today at school, i just broke down crying before school.... idk why.
i just had a wave of negativity hit me and take me down in one swift motion.
i was just a horrible feeling of the past, and how im not exactly "gorgeous" or pretty enough for any guy. Its just something about me that drives them away and i just cant figure out what. But the time will come eventually.!!

I think maybe its just the time of year again, when all the romance is in the air, and if someone catches it, it's the best time to do so. But for me, i have never been lucky enough to share anyone on a holiday, and all my friends are this year. So i guess it's like they are rubbing it in my face somehow, but they don't know it. But it sure is tearing me apart at the seams.! Thank God they won't find out..

♥/♥

Its been awhile....

2009-01-16T14:38:00.000-08:00

Since i have posted anything (sorry for that.!!!)

i havent been able to get on computer much, rather than doing homework.

LoL

{DARN HOMEWORK IS GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME.!!!}

i totallyyy enjoyed those two exam days, i got to relax, listen to music, and nap in all my classes.

:D

the experience was quite refreshing.!!

The next few weeks are going to be awesometastic.! (with some cake on the side.!!)

The relaxing exam days (done)

JOSH IS COMING HOME.! (Today, i might add.!)

A friend (who is quite yummy haha.!) is coming to poteet next week.

MY BiRTHDAYY iS ON THURSDAYY.!!!!!!

That weekend is my birthday weekend (WOO.!)

And after that.... its gonna suck. hahaha..

oh well.! :D

My life is kinda looking up, and i am progressively learning more about myself :D

its not a matter of having others accepting me for who i am, its for ME to accept me for myself (:

I dont need some major buttnugget to be telling me who i can and cant be and judging me for being myself. But i dont need to be putting myself down in the same manner.

haha...........

anyway.... there isnt much else to say, so toodles.! (JK)

♥♥

Awww poo....

2008-12-23T14:41:00.001-08:00

I found out i get to spend a majority of my Christmas Eve babysitting the son of Satan...... LOVELY.

i never do enough around here i guess. although i spend almost everyday babysitting against my will.

stupid step mother told me i need to do more.

IM ONLY 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE DOESNT REALIZE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh. i hope she has fun living out her childhood now. *ask and ill explain later*

RAWR.

Okay Bro.!

2008-12-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

i have reached a new point in my life.

Last night, i cussed someone out. GUESS WHO.!

Josh Johnston.

yes. i totally cussed him out.!

But dude. i have my reasons!!!!

He told me he never loved me.
He said he FELT like he did. but didnt.
He put me through alot of crap and guilt when i didnt say i loved him back at times, for nothing.
He told me that one time he got really..... happy..... and wanted to show me. (Normally people would have drawn the line here. but i needed to hear more. i need more truth in my life, you know?)
He told me that all he ever wanted from me was...........physical love. (Well folks, at this point i was boiling with anger.)

This boy brought out the BEAST in me (Dude... not the good kind!)

So i cussed that poor little mofo out. and i just crushed him and made him the little man that he truely is. He will suffer for all he has put girls through over the years. He will get his KARMA.

After a night of sleep after this, i was having a good day. [despite the 2 totally different plans to go to the movies failing.] And i did text Chris for a while, which made me feel better.

Then guess what.... That butthole (*Josh*) had the nerve to text me. and later on just letting it "slip" that he loves me?! Then covering it up by saying he meant to say it. [we were talkin abt my singing voice] He is trying to make me think he is sad and still loves me.

WHAT A RETARD!

he obviously doesnt know me anymore, i dont fall for that crap anymore. and if he EVER asks me to do anything nasty (i.e. reference me to doing porn when all i said is that i couldnt find my camera to film something!) EVER AGAIN i will get my daddy && I to go ALL THE WAYY to Forney and beat the crap over him! [or get him to run over the farttart with his truck]

***btw.... my dad doesnt know about this.***

haha. anyway. im pretty good now. it feels good to take a stand :D i am a changed person. for the better! (:

♥TONiTHETiGERR

p.s. Kim, if your reading this.... THE CANDY BRACELET YOU GAVE ME iS THA SHiZZ!

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

2008-12-13T19:01:00.000-08:00

A CERTAIN PERSON IN MY LIFE MAKES ME SO FURIOUS THAT I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[[IF YOU WANNA KNOW WHO AND WHY. JUST ASK. THEY MAY BE READING THISSS!!!!]]

Well Readers.

2008-12-08T19:51:00.001-08:00

I am dearly sorry for the recent posts. I have had alot of drama in my life concerning this one.... boy. And i guess that i can now tell that yall dont enjoy it.

so i will stop writing about it.

I am NOT over it. but i will stop bringing it up and deal with it on my own....

from now on.

Happier Posts.
♥

If you were wondering....

2008-11-22T16:20:00.000-08:00

why i have been so depressed.

its because of one simple thing:

I GOT MY HEART BROKEN AGAIN.

and it seems as if the shorter i know them, the more i get attatched, and the harder it hurts.

Hello World!

2008-11-17T19:46:00.000-08:00

Ive been thinking differently about life alot since ive last posted.
I havent talked to the ex in so long i dont even remember anything about him.
I moved on and found a new crush. [in which no one shall know]

But instead of being depressed all the time. Im just having little spells of it.
It kinda sucks though, the insecurity and negativity comes and goes, but everytime it comes back it seems to grow.
Perferably, i wish it would just go.
People seem to say all the time, "just make it go! you have the power to do that!" but i just cant... and i dont know why. it seems to come second nature to me somehow.

What made me feel a little better though.... When i was tellin someone that ppl have been calling me ugly behind my back so much that i am starting to believe it.
You know what they said...?

"Oh come on Toni... That's not true. And you know it. You could have it way worse!"

And they said it with such meaning. (:

Also... today my dad randomly came in and gave me a buttload of flowers!! [ive always loved getting them, and its been so long since i have gotten any.] And it made me kind of better.

But there is some major drama that popped up yesterday that is kinda hard to get over. so at this point.... its just a waiting process.

*updateeee: right when that "person" said that love sucks and they wish i could find that one prince guy.... the song love stinks came on.... but then first date. Why must everything be sooo confusing?!?!!?!?!?!?*

I feel like just curling up in a ball and crying it all out.... but it doesnt work anymore! it just makes things worse.

HAHA.

2008-11-05T16:16:00.000-08:00

i humor myself.

its funny how i waste so much time on things that have no chance, and actually (get this) BE HAPPY. isnt that horrific?

ME....HAPPY?

it just doesnt go together anymore.

Halloween parties are buttloads of fun

2008-10-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

Wow.... check out kims blog to find out what went down there!!!

it was crazy. but i think i have learned alot from this though.

when i needed ppl the most, they were there. (even the simplest actions helped)

I was freezing, and kim gave me her blanket.
I was crying on the swings and cathy, julia, and laura came over and comforted me.
Laura gave me Eric (Teddy) and her robe. (cold again)
and chris was just there, comforting me the whole way, and vise verca.

i guess this makes you appreciate who you have :D

yay!

2008-10-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

i wrote josh a letter. and it turned out really well. it feels good that it makes his spirits a little higher reading it.
(:

Hm.

2008-10-22T17:36:00.000-07:00

Nothing really new to post abt.

im really excited for Friday (:
[but i wont look awesome... i didnt get to have my haircut!]

Hes....

2008-10-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

Gone. Its kind of a numb feeling. i feel like he is just gonna come back from a friends house... but hes not coming back for three months, will be here for 2 weeks, then gone again. :/ its not like hes dead, but its just heartbreaking... at least my dad is starting to feel better.

It only takes time..

For Cathy!

2008-10-19T13:08:00.001-07:00

My Costume!!!

my feet hurt!

2008-10-17T17:23:00.000-07:00

today i went walkin around the WHOLE neighborhood with Whintnay! she is awesome...... some interesting stuff went down.

We got called various bad things by some seventh graders! [i told them to go back to recess.... what nerve!!!]
i wore my Drill stuff. and its all black so i look like im wearing a dress [a REALLY short dress!]
Some guy was driving and went slow and looked cause he thought i was wearing no pants
XD
WHiTNEYS HOUSE iS AMAZiNGG!!!!
Tiffani asked me abt josh. [she overheard his MOM talkin abt me at the game last night!!!] Tiffani is kewl now though (:
I walked in the door and my little brother told me i look really pretty (:
Its josh's last weekend here ):

Imma be a mess on monday b.c of josh.... [ily♥]

and the list above isnt in order btw.

♥

Awwwww....

2008-10-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

Poor amber... i saw her crying today.. i hope she is okay. she is really nice and never hurts anyone. :/..... i wish i could help in some way.

Besides that. i feel kinda good right now. i totally vented on my to whom this may concern blog :D

I saw menshew today!!! he is still awesome!! :D
[and totally my neighbor!]

I cant wait till this weekend. i get my costume [gonna look AMAZiNGG] and my haircut!
(you-know-who is gonna DiE when he sees me!!)

Awesomeness.... here i come!!!

And also, me and cathy have been talkin more again...yay!!!

[we still on for Cali?]

Dry erase markers suck when they get on your pants!

2008-10-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

And so does being single. i kinda miss havin a man you know? Breanna, who would say ALL THE TiME how she was gonna be single forever and is never gonna get a boy, is now the one havin all the guys beg at her feet for a chance to be with her. But also, she would say how i was the pretty one... that im gonna be the one lucky in love.

You can see how that turned out.
:/

Oh well... life goes on and wounds heal and all that such nonesence.

Anyway, i have pulled myself away from those certain ppl. if they want to talk to me... they will. Until then. Too bad! :D Im actually proud of myself. Im finally taking a stand in my life... (:

And i got new songs on my blogs. I will update them every few weeks. so you wont get too sick of them!!

[Jennay if you are reading this... sub to my other blog!!]
♥

Rawrz.

2008-10-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

I gotta cold.
icky.
haha.
I feel good though. Yesterday i chatted with Jennay for a rele long time abt stuff. she is makin me feel alot better abt my very horrible situation. [although, not even solved... but im halfway there!]
She is friggin awesome! (:
(Her and Kim saved me from the...."person"..... and thank yall 4 that!)

Besides that, i got alot of my homework done and ive been listening to alot of Rent songs lately, and that always cheers me up. (As long as no one sees me dancing and singing along!!) Heehee.
♥

Well...

2008-10-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

Ive been thinking about this new project... I am going to be taking a picture of myself for a month..

Pretty soon im gonna put up a link to it so you can see the updates...
♥

Ow.

2008-10-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

I have a headache... again
Stupid ear infection.
Not much gonna happen today.
Im on friggin house arrest cause im sick.
Blah.

RAWRRRRRRRRR

2008-10-10T16:51:00.000-07:00

i cant take this much longer!!!!!

Kevin is still mean.
The "person" is STiLL ignoring me
Random ppl are calling me ugly now!
Im believing im ugly

this never goes away does it...?

♥

Foam explosions are awesome!!!

2008-10-08T18:45:00.001-07:00

Today i hung out with Breanna, Alex, and TEAM VCS [woo hoo!!!] This one dude Evan, totally made a bottle of foam art stuff EXPLODE!!!! it was awesome. and i took some and smeared it on Cullen- he didnt seem to mind too much. Josh is talking to me again :] *but now i think hes mad again... i will never win* that other person is still ignoring me... and that will be for a while. Oh well :[

And my blog is unlocked!! YAY!!!!

Well, thats abt it.

**TONiTHETiGERR**

p.s. i WANT A HAiRCUTT!!!!! ):

♥

You have GOT to be kidding me?!?!!??!?!?

2008-10-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

my other blog got locked!!!! and i have to wait a long time b4 its unlocked....

this aint fair man.

blah.

[my project is still not done!!!!] :(

♥

Good News Folks!!

2008-10-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

My headache is finally gone... and life is looking up for me finally. yay!!! but there is some downsides....

BAD

[the person still wont talk to me.]
And i need to do my project. [rawrs!]
ALSO... im still frightened to talk to someone.

besides that... there is some ups!

GOOD

My headache is gone!!! :D
I got free silly foam!!!
Kim might have her "get together"
I actually had the guts to talk to another male in question.
I made a grilled cheese....and DiDNT BURN iT!!!!
I got music on my blogs!!

♥

Ugh.

2008-10-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

Life is pretty sucky....

ive got a migrane
im scared to talk to someone i would talk to alot b4
a joke went horribly wrong
i feel bad....

When will this all end??

♥

Some Crazy Stuff Is About To Go Down....

2008-10-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

I have another Blog too.
[got the idea from the awesometastic Kim]
check it out!!

http://to-whom-this-may-concern.blogspot.com/
♥

wow. :/

2008-10-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

Posts have been beyond me lately. but some interesting things happened...

Breanna and Josh went out for an hour or so [long story]
There are sooo many guys wanting to do...unmentionable... things with her.
I have the names of all my ex boyfriends on each toe.
BREANNA iS FORCiNG ME TO ASK SOMEONE OUTT!! [I will not tell you who..]
Today.. is going to be interesting.... :/

I need mental help. (:

♥

Crazy, isnt exactly the right word...

2008-09-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

Yeah, this weekend was PACKED.

Friday

Drill Practice [had to wake up at 6 in the freaking morning!]
I came to school in a dress and looked TOTALLY amazing. thank you :] (i ended up doing my hair 3 times during the day!)
Came home, went outside for a bit, and saw that my friend [who shall not be named] had a picture of....man vegetables.... burned into his arm. what a dork :P
I get dressed UBERR fast, and left for Memorial, and ate some Micky Dee's rele fast!
Sat at the game, bored, and performed [we were AWESOMEE] Then later on met up with Kim, Chris, Blake, and some other pplz idk.
Kim eventually came to her rightful place, with me!! but left moments later.
I ended up gettin home at 10 or so. [with my legs covered in mud!--thanks Josh...]
And then... i passed out :]

Saturday

Hung out with one of my bestiess, Breanna. Cause i was bored and thought i wasnt goin to the movies after all. [it would have been weird with just me and Chris, no offence.]
Eventually found out i AM going to the movies, this time with Kim, Breanna, Blake, and Chris [MUCHH better... :D]
We saw The Dark Knight... very nice movie =) very...enjoyable. Although i went through a lifetime of emotions.
By the time it was done me and Kim had to go to the bathroom... so we ran there... and came out [admiring the awesome tampon/maxi pad/ lip balm/lotion/everything else you can think of machine.]
I explained Sprinkles to everyone, and then we all went home... it was pretty fun.

Sunday

Homework
DRAMA
And MORE Homework!!

Not very interesting. But it was okay if you ask me.

♥

The BiG Day...

2008-09-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is freaking me out!!!

im sooo nervous abt alot of things.

-truth
-the game
-if ill look good in my dress [which i got from the one and only KATiE.]

golly gee....
♥♥♥

[not to mention...... IM BEiNG STALKEDDD!!!!!!!]

The poem... [or short story thing... whichever you prefer]

2008-09-24T14:39:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this poem virtually on my computer today.... its very depressing really.
I wrote this for a special someone a while back... its kind of a sweet sorrow if you ask me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We may not have a song but our Love is a song in itself

YOU are that number one hit that people will remember forever

And Your voice is the soft melody that lifts my heart

Your kind and heartfelt words spoken to me are the UNFORGETTABLE lyrics WAY beyond kareoke!

Everytime you say I Love You, its that high note that SO MANY try to hit

But most wont succeed

So you can call me your CRAZZY number one fan but i will be PROUD Of it!

But every tear shed. Or Crazyy, Sweet, or Awkward Moments experienced are just Obstacles or that amazing Inspiration to write or find that PERFECT song.

But when you do...

Its the most Beautiful Thing in the world.

On May 31, although I didnt know it then...

I FOUND IT

So with every verse sung-

I pray to God I will NEVER forget a lyric.

A day beyond boredom!

2008-09-23T14:46:00.000-07:00

Today was as boring and bland as ever. it was kind of a daze... [besides the fact i explained to McFadin, Erika, and Whit what my "Sprinkles" thing means.]

OH MY GOSH.

We had this sub that did absolutely nothing in Biology.
So me, Erica G, Kelsey, Allie, and Whitney sat there, painted our nails, ate sour patch kids, talked, and texted ppl.

[and we got the answers from some smart kid]

but thats about the most interesting thing to happen.

[the drama is still going on.... sadly :/]

BEHiND ENEMY LiNES

2008-09-22T13:02:00.000-07:00

This is a very scary place for sure.... me and josh have been fighting today constantly over his hypocritical attitude towards me. Heres a downplay....

*We loved each other

*He broke up with me because of the distance issue

*He gets a new girlfriend not even a WEEK later!

*I was under the impression that he cheated and yelled at him

*He breaks up with her and then i find out from his EX that they got back together 2 days later

*He tells me he doesnt love me and expects me to be okay

*Now that he thinks i have a CRUSH on someone, he "loves me" and im the bad guy here

*Instead of acting like an adult [we r teens, but its more mature] He leaves instead of talking it out.

Because of this one guy i have had my heart broken, and had more friends pissed at my attitude more than ever.... i hate it!! Seriously... i need to stay out of the war zone.

But i just cant

is it so bad to fight for what you love? and to think of yourself for once......?
****Why cant they be together?!?!?****

Starting out

2008-09-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

If you don't already know me... my name is Toni [a.k.a. ChiChi, Chewy, Toniqua, Sprinkles, TONiTHETiGERR, Tinkerbell, weird chick.] I've got more nicknames than fingers on my right hand! And im actually really proud of that. I've got a bunch of awesometastic friends with too many inside jokes to count! [ex. Fetus Bacon!---im the proud creator of that one] Yes, ive been through a rough heartbreak that no one my age should go through, and still be struggling with. But i have a bunch of amazing people to stand at my side and deal with my crazy mood swings. I can be the kinda girl that you can either love or hate, it all depends on what mood im in :D. And i love pink... and bright colors. its what i do! and yeah... i can be weird, crazy, and MAJORLY hyper... but i guess thats what im loved for anyway.